I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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