Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
In America we eat man semen.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
