Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
