I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
