I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
