Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
