I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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