just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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