Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
