Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
