i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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