This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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