Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
