nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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