saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
