you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
