Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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