Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
