No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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