i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I got inside last night via doggy door
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
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