Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
