I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
