I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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