Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
