We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
