She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
