Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize