I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
