I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
