just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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