If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
