she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
