i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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