Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
