Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
