Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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