I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
