I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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