I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
