my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
