it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
