Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
