well I can't set my house on fire every night
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
