look no pants
Welp...herpes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
