I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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