champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
there is puke in my bra ... again
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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