From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
