I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
