whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
