i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize