Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
