I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
