I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
