He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
