You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
