I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
