And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
