moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
