Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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