My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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