I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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