its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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