i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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