9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
