I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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