I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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