I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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