Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
