I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
