i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
