You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
